


something to last

by allmywill



Category: Duran Duran
Genre: Author Commentary, Gen, Nonfiction, personal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:41:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23518612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmywill/pseuds/allmywill
Summary: My Duran Duran journey, from the beginning to now. This band has made an incredible impact on me.Who knows, you might find something to last.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 10





	something to last

**Author's Note:**

> i thought i’d share my story with you guys, since i always have a lot to say about this band. this is very personal, so if you’re not into that, you can click away. i bring up some sensitive topics like depression, gender dysphoria, and eating disorders, but i don’t go into detail.
> 
> that aside, i hope you enjoy!

I’ve been obsessing over bands for most of my life at this point, starting with The Beach Boys when I was about seven.

I’ve always been heavily into music in general. I can’t recall a time in my life when I didn’t have a favorite song, album, or artist I’ve been obsessed with. In my early teens, I was heavily into pop culture, and One Direction were big. They were my life from 2012 - 2015. Numerous obsessions came after them, namely their opening act 5 Seconds of Summer.

It took me a little while to get into more music that came out before my time. My parents always listened to a lot of 80’s and 90’s music. My dad loved hair bands and my mom was into pop. She was in middle school when Duran Duran got big, and from what she tells me, she was obsessed.

I hated 80’s music for much of my childhood, though I can’t exactly pinpoint why. I never liked the hair bands my dad listened to and my mom’s music wasn’t doing anything for me. I just wanted to hear new stuff, music from my generation.

My mom didn’t play a lot of Duran while I was growing up. I had heard the hits, _Hungry Like the Wolf, The Reflex, Union of the Snake,_ etc. But I guess it wasn’t the right time, I wasn’t old enough to appreciate the music yet. She didn’t listen to them much after _Notorious_ , she tells me. She seemed to have gotten away from music for a while, for a lot of different reasons. I understand why; her teenage years weren’t easy.

My tune changed about 80’s music around 2014. I got into The Smiths and The Cure, discovering them on my own. My music taste became much more diverse then, especially when I started my record collection in 2015. I was really into the ‘emo’ thing that year. I’ll spare that story for another post.

So my parents would take me to record stores on the weekends sometimes. On occasion, they’d pick things out too. In 2016, my mom bought _Arena_. By then, I was heavily into Blondie, Siouxsie and the Banshees, and Joy Division. I didn’t have much interest in the band yet. She played it when we got home, but still, it didn’t hit me.

2017: she buys _Rio_. I was intrigued by the album cover. I liked what I heard, though for some reason, I never got around to listening to it on my own. That was a strange year for me, I must say. My Duran love was a dust cloud on the rise.

After I graduated high school that year, I delved deep into new wave bands. Depeche Mode, a-ha, Berlin, Pretenders, and a lot more followed. It was a bit of a dark time in my life for a lot of reasons. I didn’t know it at the time, but my mental illness was killing me and my disdain for myself worsened significantly. Looking back, I don’t know how I made it out of that period of my life unharmed. I was reckless with myself.

I started to develop a liking for the singles, I had them in a big playlist of new wave songs. Finally, in August 2018, I listened to _Rio_ in full by myself. Something struck me, and looking back now, it was the right time. It was a transitional time for me; my world was changing around me, things felt weird. But I had this music, this special music that I felt like I had known all my life. And in a way, I did.

My mom noticed my sudden interest in them. She told me about all the merch she had, vinyl and a lot of other stuff. It’s buried somewhere at my grandma’s house, which we have yet to go and look for, surprisingly. Maybe after this virus blows over we can go. I’ve been thinking about it for years now!

I fell in love with _The Wedding Album_ next, completely and utterly obsessed with it for months on end. During this time, I remember listening to _Ordinary World_ after a really bad day at work. It was a rainy Saturday and I felt terrible, but the lyrics helped soothe my pain. One of my dogs had died that week too and it felt like the universe was punishing me. It was another turning point for me; they were becoming more than just a band I listened to.

_Seven and the Ragged Tiger_ was next, and then their debut followed it. There was a shift in me, my old self shedding day by day. That was what I needed in my life at the time. I was so insecure and unsure of myself for so long, very damaged too. I lost all confidence after high school. I fell into patterns of disordered eating, overworking myself to the point of near collapse, and stressing over my future. It took me a long time to get out of that, but as Duran’s music became a part of me, I started to feel more whole. I was healing.

Though I fell asleep just before the new year officially began, I almost rang in 2019 with _Careless Memories_ blasting through my headphones. That was a good night. The aggressiveness of that song was like an armor to me for a while; I drove to it on repeat on my way to work. It’s still one of my favorite Duran songs, I just love everything about it.

The first few months of 2019 were rough. Work was hard, I was still working too much and trying to recover from it at the same time. I was barely holding on, even though I was much better off than I was the previous year. This made my mental health slip a lot, and I remember coming home from work and doing next to nothing most days. I would just lay in bed with my music. Sometimes I would cry. Then I’d get up the next morning and do it again. I felt lost and unsure of myself, unsure of what I really wanted.

I eventually worked things out at my job, so they cut my hours and I started to feel better. _Notorious_ was the soundtrack to my spring. _A Matter of Feeling_ in particular struck a chord in me. It impacted me so much that I plan to get my first tattoo of the lyrics ‘these moments of madness are sure to pass’ on my arm, of course, once things blow over. It’ll help remind me that even though I’ve been through some very difficult times, I’ll get through them. I’ll come out the other side stronger, with the sun shining on my face.

Continuing my Duran discography journey, the next album I heard in full was _All You Need Is Now_. _Blame the Machines_ was the title that intrigued me the most, urging me to listen to the rest of the album. As spring roared to summer, I planned to get even deeper in my Duran obsession. I knew they were for me, I felt it. I started to seek out pictures of them. One special little keyboard player caught my eye, as they do.

My first thoughts upon seeing Nick Rhodes were something along the lines of: _oh my god, he’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen_. I still stand by that today. It’s no secret that I idolize him. He has single handedly changed how I view myself, and I’m honestly getting emotional just thinking about how far I’ve come in the last year or so. I have Nick to thank.

Through much of my later teenage years, I dealt with gender dysphoria. Lots of dark things from my past happened because of this. I would keep changing my hair, my style, everything about myself. It was a constant battle in my head. Nothing I did felt right. I was too much, too little. I was extreme and I was not enough. Nick came along right when I needed him. I was just starting to come out of a strange, self deprecating phase in which I didn’t wear makeup and hated ‘dressing up’, watering myself down to easier fit the mold.

He showed me that it’s okay to do those things, that I don’t have to water myself down for anyone or anything. I can be extreme if I want, or I can be toned down. What matters is that it’s what I want to do. What I do with my face and what I put on my body is my choice. I can be whoever I want to be. He helped heal this damaged part of me, he reignited my creativity when it comes to makeup and style. I’m so much more confident now. I feel better in my own skin. I actually dyed my hair blonde because of him, finally gaining the courage after years of dying it black.

Naturally, I started watching interviews of them, all different years, kind of scattered. My love grew, and it grew fast. By June I was seeking out fanfic. I hadn’t truly connected with a fandom for a long time; the ones I was writing for weren’t very welcoming. I found that after a while I was disconnected from my works, only churning out fics for certain fandoms for kudos and the tiny bit of validation I received. It was time for me to move on.

I posted my first Duran fic at the tail end of June 2019. I knew by the next morning that this fandom was where I truly belonged. Again, I got this strange, yet amazing feeling. It was like I knew something great would come out of this. And let me tell you, lots of wonderful things came out of this. It’s a gift that keeps on giving.

I turned 21 on July 1st, and no, I didn’t go out and drink. Probably best if I stay away from that sort of thing, giving my long history of self destructive tendencies. I started listening to Arcadia around this time, and still, the song _Missing_ reminds me of stuffy antique shops on a humid mid-summer day, just before a thunderstorm. I have a vivid memory and imagination, if you couldn’t already tell from my writing!

The days following my birthday were some of the worst I’ve had in my entire lifetime. I wish I was exaggerating. I worked crazy long hours in the heat to the point of exhaustion, I was going through a bout of insomnia, and my efforts to reconnect with my best friend failed miserably. On top of this, I had a nervous breakdown at work which resulted in me being written up twice in one day. And, to make matters even worse, I hit a deer on the way to work, almost destroying my car completely. I have never cried so much in one week. I felt defeated.

I went home that night and slept for what felt like years. Later in the day, when I woke up, I put Duran on. I was starting to get into the lesser known albums at this point. I decided it was time to hear _Pop Trash_. I pulled up the album on YouTube and when _Someone Else Not Me_ started, I felt like I could cry again. The entrancing melody locked me in. It was another moment in which I was like: _this band is mine, I need to hold onto these guys._ As you can see, I did just that.

It took me months to recover from that awful week. I had a lot of letting go to do. Duran helped me through it all; their music always in the background as I healed. I eventually made a tumblr blog and then began the next stage of my obsession, which by then, was more than an obsession. An attachment? A connection? A deep love? Doesn’t matter, really. All I know is that this band took my hand and lead me to better places.

Through my tumblr, I’ve met a lot of beautiful people. I’ve talked with so many loving, caring fans, but I’ve grown very close to one of them. Tash, you know who you are!

She has been nothing but good to me and she deserves so much love. I stumbled upon her JoSi fic _We Danced Into The Fire And Look Where It Got Us_ shortly after she started it back in November, and the rest is history. I could not ask for a more supportive and all around wonderful friend and fellow Duranie. Our conversations never fail to put a smile on my face even on my worst days. She amazes me daily with her talent, both her gorgeous drawings of our boys and her well crafted fics. Love you always, Tash. As you would say, you’re the Power Station to my Arcadia, the John to my Nick. You make me feel less lonely in my nightmare.

Though I’ve been in and out of quite a few fandoms the past few years, I can tell I’m here to stay. I have never felt so much love and appreciation for a fandom before; there are so many creative and all around amazing people here. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. I am endlessly inspired by Duran, I carry their music within me. I know that even on the days I feel I can’t go on, I have them and all the wonderful things they’ve brought into my life. I am never alone.

It feels like I’ve been here for so much longer than I have. But really, they’ve kinda been there all my life. Maybe just in the background, but who would I be without that presence? I’m not sure. It’s funny, when I watched the video for _Ordinary World_ for the ‘first’ time, it was incredibly familiar to me, especially that shot of the guys walking towards the camera. It was a memory like a dream, but very real to me. I must have seen it when I was very young. If only I had known they would change my life in such a positive way.

Thank you for coming along on this journey with me. I have found something to last, thanks to Duran Duran.


End file.
